I have tried to think of a post for today no less than three times, and each one turned into a horrible ramble of complaints and problems that probably no one is interested in reading, complaining about how I can’t seem to get anything done despite the fact that I’m getting loads of things done. I realized that it all boiled down to one thing: mother flippin stress. I am just a great big ball of it right now, and it’s awful, and it’s crazy how stress both motivates me to work my ass off and makes me feel like I’m not doing nearly enough.
What am I stressed out about? Well, I’m still editing a book I plan to have published and released in less than twenty days. If I don’t find an apartment soon, I might not have a place to live at the end of August. I’m going to see an apartment that I really like on paper and I’m stressed about it turning out to be completely different in reality and/or we’re unable to get it for whatever reason. I’m stressed because, if we do get the apartment, I will be moving and publishing a book at the same time. Knowing how the world usually works, that’s probably exactly what’s going to happen, which will be crazy, but I won’t complain, because then I’ll finally be able to settle in to the next step in my life, which seems like it’s been on pause since freaking January. Oh, yeah, and all this cost a lot of money, so all that nice little bundle I saved up so I could quit my Day Job will be completely gone. Thank God I picked up that part time job…
And then there’s the What if? Oh, man, the What ifs? will kill you. What if we can’t find an apartment? What if people hate Soulless? What if I’m never able to get any traction with my writing and I have to spend the next decade of my life scraping and clawing through my finances just like the last decade? But, to those What Ifs?, I’m going to resolutely answer with a different kind of what: So what?
My life has been a crazy roller-coaster of ups and downs, of constantly feeling like I’m about to get ahead and then being knocked way the fuck back down. But you know what? I know I’m going to get back up again, because I’ve done it before, and I know things are going to work out because I don’t just sit here and dwell on the What Ifs?, no matter how they plague my brain. I’m still working through them, usually harder when I’m stressed than when I’m not, which means I’ll get through this, I’ll move on, I’ll keep charging ahead. So what if we don’t get the apartment, we’ll figure something out. So what if people hate Soulless? I like it, and it’s a huge accomplishment for me to have put together a whole book in less than a year. So what if I can never get ahead? What is there to get ahead to? I’m doing what I love, I found someone to share it with, and, if not for financial stresses (which, really, do they matter in the long run?), I’m really, really happy with life.
There really isn’t a point to this post except to let off some nervousness, vent a little bit, and remind myself (and perhaps others) that, while right now it seems like nothing is going right and things are all crazy, life is pretty freaking amazing right now, because I made it that way. I’m doing some pretty epic stuff here, so of course it’s going to be scary and nerve-wracking and exciting. These high-octane emotions are what makes it worth it, too. Sure, I may be a complete spastic crazy person right now, but I’m also a brilliant spastic crazy-person. Never forget that. Keep forging on. We may never get there, but, hey, it’s all about the journey, anyway, right?